=> Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I
think I’ve forgotten this before – Steven Wright

=> I like to reminisce with people I don’t know. — Steven Wright

=> Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry — Rita Rudner

=> My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a
child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
– Rita Rudner

=> I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.
– Roseanne

=> I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback
riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
– Susie Loucks

=> I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply
with the law.
— David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that
he failed to pay his taxes.

=> Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country.
— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

=> The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who
make them unsafe.
— Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

=> The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
— Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head
by a ball in the 1934 World Series

=> The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By
the second day you’re off it.
— Jackie Gleason

=> Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence
long enough to get money from it.
— Stephen Leacock

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